Transforming Pain into Triumph: My Fitness Journey
The Unexpected Encounter
One of the best moments I ever felt in fitness came in a two-second glance from a girl I was friends with.
I had come over to an ex-girlfriend’s house to return her key after not seeing her for about two months. I was moving back from North Carolina to Chicago within a week and wanted to give the key back. It wasn’t like I was going to use it, but still, I wanted her to rest assured there wasn’t anything weird. I’d dated this girl for about a month. We began dating within a month of my ex-wife splitting up (she too had recently broken up with a boyfriend of 7 years, so I think the rebound thing was mutual).
Turning Heartache into Motivation
Between my ex-wife leaving me and then this quick knee-jerk relationship rejection, I had been in a bad place. I decided I was going to tighten up and get my body in order (at first to show my ex-wife what she’d missed out on, but then as it went along I just grew to enjoy it).
So, two months after the ex-girlfriend and I split (three or so months after my ex-wife left), I pulled up to her house to give her her key back. Her best friend’s Honda sat out front in the driveway. You could still hear the engine crackling while it cooled down. I didn’t know the friend was going to be there, but I’m assuming because it would have been awkward just the ex and me and having the friend there would make it smoother. I walked up to the door, knocked, watched a colorful shape walk up behind the frosted glass, and waited for it to open up.
The Moment of Validation
Her best friend saw me, smiled politely, then her face dropped and she glanced me up and down in shock. Those two seconds felt like a victory. It was the most quickly I’d ever seen anyone’s opinion of me change from cordial acceptance to flat-out awe. The validation was almost worth the heartache and depression I was suffering from at the time. I entered, gave the ex her key back and watched her quickly look me over, too. I said goodbye (not as sad as I’d thought it would be, honestly) and left.
The Price of Transformation
The thing is, though, that those two seconds of a quick up-and-down glance cost me two and a half months of the hardest training and dieting I’d ever done. I weighed each and every bit of food I ate at the time. You name it and I weighed it. Carrots? Yep. Kale? Yep. Water? You bet your ass. I had spreadsheets and everything depending on the day, the type of working out, where I was going to be, etc. I trained 6 days a week. Mon/Wed/Fri I’d lift heavy and hard. Tues/Thurs/Sat I’d do metcons, mobility, and extra arm work. Some days I’d go back to the gym after work and do some arms or light bodyweight work. Sundays I’d go in late (the gym didn’t open till 1) for a bit of mobility or the sauna. When I wasn’t at the gym, or work, I was reading. That was it. No friends, no video games, no TV. I was so depressed and withdrawn that I didn’t want to do anything else. I didn’t have the energy.
Part of the not having energy was also how hard I was dieting. I’d eat five times a day: 7:30 am, 10:30 am, 2 pm, 5 pm & 8 pm. I’d get so hungry and tired between meals that I’d fall asleep sitting at a table. This wasn’t from a lack of sleep either. I slept 9 to 10 hours a night (good ole depression and overtraining will do that for you). I was exhausted but caffeine and anger pushed me to keep going.
Lessons Learned
I didn’t stop training or dieting like this after these two glorious seconds of being checked out, either. I trained and ate like this until the end of this year (so from about June 2019 to Christmas 2019). I dropped from about 190 lbs to 149 lbs, the majority of it (190 to 155) between June and August.
In retrospect, it was a validating feeling, but it was hard on my body. I was in such a dark place that if it wasn’t for the strict diet and training, I’m not sure where I would have been. I know I lost muscle and strength during that time. I have no idea the havoc I wreaked on my hormones (between undereating and stress). I’m blessed I got through it all without any serious injuries. I’m grateful for doing it and how it made me, but it’s not the right way. That’s the lesson I’ve taken from it. There are better ways to go about it.
The point of it all
But, honestly, the point of this all, is that people don’t see how much time and work and pain goes into all of it. For two seconds of a shocked glance, I spent hours in agony. I went to bed with my stomach grumbling and I told myself it was all for a reason. Was it? Maybe. But now that I know there’s a healthier way, could I have done it differently? Sure. Experience is the greatest teacher. Don’t expect to get the same change or validation easily. If you want it, it’s there, you just have to know how hard it will be. I’ve known a ton of people who began and once it even got remotely difficult they stopped. This isn’t to discourage you, this is to be transparent and tell you it’s possible. You can get that same look. But be prepared to fight tooth and nail for it. Once those 2 seconds are over, then you can decide whether it was worth it or not.
Want to learn more about myself or start this transformation for yourself ?
Don’t let yourself be overcome by depression, seek help